Bardo, Death, and a Moment of Transition

Often when I tell a story I shy away from those in which I was part of or a party to, to me it smacks of ego-center and self-serving. Yet this story, as it happened to me, was one of great compassion and love for my family. I did nothing but be present and party to something so amazing, I will never forget it.

Not far after my Grandfather passed away, the wife of one of his brother’s also passed away. Her husband had passed on some years before and she lived the rest of her life without him. I am very fond of that side of my family, although my father and my immediate family are not blood relation, you would never have guessed it. My Father and I are direct blood relations to this family in every spiritual sense of the word.

My Mother called to tell me that my great Aunt was passing, in hospice and not expected to live much longer. I remember thinking to myself; “It’s ok, I can go see her at 2PM tomorrow”. Why 2PM? I’m not sure but I knew that I had the time and that was the perfect time. So the next day at 2PM I went to the hospice center to visit. When I arrived I found my family all huddled around her in various states of shock, fear, sadness, love, kindness, and compassion. I was immedately welcomed and took a place in a chair next to my cousins.

As is customary in our culture, we all sat around and told stories of this woman, remembering the past and enjoying each other; laughing and crying together. As I sat there I thought to myself; “What can I do right now? What should I do? What is appropriate?” In studying Buddhism for years I wasn’t sure how to behave in front of my family at this moment, if I said anything, would it come out lost on a crowd who didn’t study Buddhism as I did or would my words we welcome?

After some time, a little voice in my head said, go see her, put your hands on her. This didn’t bother me either as I had been studying Reiki for years and placing my hands on an other to ease pain and suffering is a pleasure. I asked; “Do you all mind if I hold her hand”? Of course my family was like, “Please, get up here and join us”. So I did, I placed my hand in hers and joined the stories around her bed and tried to project energy and compassion onto this woman who was about to pass. The moment was very enjoyable as when I joined the group the stories seemed to flow and become more intensified.

Some more time went by and another voice in my head said to place a hand on her chest and one on the crown of her head. It felt so natural to do this, it felt like home to be in the energy field of not only my great Aunt but my family. It felt like being home, truly a good feeling.

What I felt was truly amazing, I could feel my great Aunt in the throws of her last few moments on earth. It was at this moment that I knew why I was to be there at 2PM, it was truly her last hour. With my hands placed on her head and chest I could feel her energy slowly untangling and lifting away. The next vision in my mind was of her husband and my Grandfather who appeared to be waiting for her to arrive. Right then, at that moment, I knew it was time for her to pass.

I told my family; “Come everyone, join around, put your hands on her, you can feel her; she’s here and she feels good”. Slowly each person in the room, about 15, got up and joined the rest of us around this woman and placed their hands on her feet, legs, hands, chest, head and stomach. I felt as if I wasn’t myself, like the sound of my voice wasn’t mine, I was elsewhere. Then I said to every one in the room; “Hold great thoughts of compassion and love for her, she is leaving now, she needs to know it’s ok and she is loved and love is waiting for her when she untangles from this life”, everyone did that, the room got silent.

In that moment when the room became silent, everyone could feel her. As soon as the last person put their hands on her, the room got very quiet yet very loud with love for what felt like forever but surely was just a few seconds. She passed on in that moment, the second the last person joined, she left. In that moment, what Tibetan Buddhists call Bardo, we all experienced that time in between when one life ends and another begins. The moment didn’t last forever and one everyone realized what had just happened, the tears began to fall. They were tears of joy for the ending of this life and the joining of pure love on the other side, where her husband and my Grandfather waited to welcome her and bring her into everything.

I didn’t do anything other than just be there, I could not have been more grateful to have done so in that moment. I can only hope when I pass from this life I can be in the presence of those who have witnessed my life and help me pass as we did for her.

In Tibetan Buddhism there are 6 levels of Bardo; This Life, Meditation, Dream, Dying, Dharmata, and Existence. They are the fragmented in between states, the gap between the ego and the self and the gap between the self and the next.

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A Story of Compassion and Dying

The Three Monks of blogging– Wade of The Middle Way, Kenton of Zen-Inspired Self Development, and Albert of Urban Monk.Net - have asked in this holiday time of year for us to share our stories of compassion. To see the original post please click he following links: [The Middle Way], [Zen-Inspired Self Development], and [UrbanMonk.net].

Here is my story…

My Grandfather died just over a year ago, today would have been his birthday. The call I got just before he died is one I’ll never forget; “Kristi, this is Grandma, I need your help, Grandpa is stuck in the bathroom”, “I’ll be right there I said”.

I would do anything for my Grandfather, he was in my mind the embodiment of everything that Buddha taught but didn’t know it. For about a year my Grandfather had begun a slow downhill fall to leukemia so it wasn’t a surprise at the end but that didn’t make it any better. When I got to my Grandparents house, there was Grandpa, stuck between the toilet and the wall, naked. He had grown too weak to help himself and was too heavy for my Grandmother to help him. He was in pain but we still had a chuckle as he said; “Little girl, I’m stuck” and I said; “and naked!”. He always had a fantastic sense of humor and kept it until he could not speak anymore. We wrestled a while as we tried to figure out how to get him back to his chair and after some time we did it at the expense of some humiliation on his part and pride on mine to be able to aide the man I adored so much.

Although he wanted to live to the end in his home, we both knew it was time for him to go to the hospital, the leukemia effects had fully taken over and his body was shutting down. Calling my Father to tell him he better come over, we needed to get Grandpa to the hospital, was rough as he at the same time was dealing with losing his father and being an only child and feeling fully responsible for his parents well being.

We stuck by him at the ER until it became obvious he needed hospice to aide in his final moments in this life. While in the hospital I had gotten a call from a good friend that his step Mother was also in the hospital across town and in her final moments in dealing with cancer. For the next few nights I spent time between a family who’s wife and mother I had grown very fond of and my own Grandfather, both about to die. During this, I started to lose my grip on “what was death” and “how could they go” and “what is next”. Keeping my family and theirs in humor and food was my goal, at least it pushed my agony away.

I wasn’t present for either of their passing, it happened late at night, but I was fully present in my own misery and suffering, as well as a possible loss of faith to boot. They both died within an hour of each other.

The next day when word had gotten around that Grandpa had passed and I was still in shock, the most kind act of compassion came my way. A friend had sent me an email, simply saying; “I know how this feels and we are thinking of you. Can I do anything for you?” Along with it she sent a graphic, seen below, of Buddha’s passing and those around him in agony.

Her simple act of; expressing her knowing of being in my shoes, a simple question of how can she help me, and an image of Buddha’s passing all swarmed in my head. This was the simple act I needed to keep my belief in Buddhism, humanity, and how a life lead with compassion is the only way to live. Thank you my friend.

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Desire, Sticky as Krazy Glue

Desire is one of those concepts that are so sticky it attaches to everything we do, like a pile of Krazy Glue you just put your hand in. Everything you touch becomes a sticky mess of desire. Desire of another being, sexual desire, material desire, desire to speak to a friend now that they have passed, or simply the desire to be present in this moment; desire can be the greatest cause of suffering.

Just when you feel you are making great progress you get hit with a wave of feelings that don’t feel very present and bring you back to why you started to study Buddhism to begin with. This usually happens after a great and profound moment of presence, one slips into the glue of desire.

It’s one aspect I’ve not felt in a long while but here it is, sticking to everything. Lately all I can think of is desire and for sure it’s caused suffering. Energy spinning out of control, thoughts on the future as opposed to right now. It causes a physiological response; blood pressure, heart rate, breathing, and also affects how balanced ones chakras are.

What’s the answer? Practice. The mind is untrained and wants to bathe in desire, it’s what it does. Meditation practice helps even if it seems not to. During meditation my mind can jump from the tallest of trees with only a fraction of presence. Then during normal operation my mind causes the sticky stuck thoughts that cause my suffering. Do I feel better equipped than before meditation and Buddhism, yes.

One doesn’t have to meditate or to study Buddhism to know that desire is the most tricky of thoughts, as we get caught up in what we want but do not have. This does not mean to not dream to want but to look at it when it happens and see how it fills in the gaps and creates falseness, leading out minds to not see the truth.

It’s been a struggle for me, but this is good, it allows me to have something sticky to observe and see in the here and now.

From The Beginner’s Guide to Insight Meditation by Arinna Weisman and Jean Smith:

Sensual Desire

“In our meditation practice, through awareness we can separate desire from it’s object and examine desire itself. If we desire soft, easy, smooth breaths, we can turn our attention to desire and see how it takes us out of the present moment and into the future. We can feel the contraction and pulling of it, and we can see how it can bring restlessness or doubt and all kinds of thoughts associated with it. This examination can give us exceptional insight as to how desire operates in our life - how it adheres to its object, how it makes its object more attractive than it really is and blinds us to its unattractive aspects. We can examine how insatiable desire is.”

What does one do when they are gripped with desire?

Concentration, aiming the mind at the breath or another object of meditation such as lovingkindness, is one antidote to desire.

Even if we are not meditating, when we notice desire, we can try to let it go by switching our attention to something else, such as our posture or what we are hearing or seeing, or by just thinking of something else - remaining attentive to this alternative object or experience.

Bringing us back to the present moment.

This does not void us of the future or planning but it keeps us from wildly sticking to what we do not know of desire. To want something and then to goal and plan for it is good but to dwell and wonder and want and think and desire…..this will be suffering. Try it, I know it is.

It all comes back to anicha and the impermanence of things, things change, we all know it. Nothing stays the same, constant flux. Desire comes and it will go, replaced with other things. In a relationship desire is left with good and bad times, some luck and more difficulty, then some more easiness. It all changed and at the beginning you felt that this was the one, the mate you had waited for your whole life.

Watch desire, see what it looks like. Can you live with it?

Even now as I write this I have desire, desire that has been with me for days and doesn’t seem to want to let go.

Ain’t this fun? Yup

And sometimes desires are acknowledged but still don’t go away. Even if it was easier than you thought to purge it.

UPDATE: It never goes away, this was incorrect thinking on my part, the goal is to not have the ego beating me up over it. It simply is what it is.

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Will I Ever Go Back to Talking About Business?

Originally posted on Business Zen 2.0

Maybe, maybe not. What we do know is that everything is impermanent. Right now what we know is my ego is softening a bit so I’ll go with the flow and just write about it. We also know that this understanding is not only Buddhist in nature but the nature of life as well as the nature of Business. I’m sure you will see the connection.

Lately I have been able to relate to the image to the left, it’s a batik of the assault of Mara on Buddha as he meditated under the Bohdi tree. My own practice has been full of assaults, my ego assaults as well as life and suffering make assaults. Although, I am just starting to awaken to an understanding, there is a glimmer of an understanding there.

The beauty of my recent commitment to a Sangha is the community and the Dharma that is expressed weekly, in my case it’s Robert Beatty @ Portland Insight Meditation Center. The notion taught this past weekend was on Anicha, or that which arises will pass; otherwise known as the impermanence of things. It’s been on my mind, it’s been observed, it’s been shunned and it’s been embraced; all in the same moment. Then it opened the way to a small moment of presence.

Surely we can see why this is important but then I started to think about it in relation to what my ego gets hit with and how it can be stopped from adding one more layer by understanding that what causes the layer will pass.

In business, it’s become a huge concept to me. When stressed or when my ego wants to get in the way and lash out at someone, the concept of Anicha just pops up and things soften. This is where the business comes in and how another concept of Buddhism can be applied. In business we often make too slow a decision or too quick, we shoot from the hip or we just get it done. Much could be said for allowing all or part of a problem to just pass. Nine times out of ten it wasn’t a problem but a perceived problem.

Anicha….impermanence

Oh and this is what made me think of the invading demons of Mara:

COUNTY CASCADES.AND CASCADE FOOTHILLS…

A SNOW ADVISORY REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 PM PST THIS AFTERNOON.

SNOW SHOWERS WILL CONTINUE TODAY AS COLD ARCTIC AIR INVADES
SOUTHWESTERN WASHINGTON AND NORTHWESTERN OREGON. THE HEAVIEST
SNOWFALL IS EXPECTED THIS MORNING HOURS…WITH SHOWERS TAPERING
OFF THIS EVENING.

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